Hey there. I’m currently struggling with major overwhelming everything. I had a funky domestic/friendship/roommate situation that resulted in a relocation for myself and my boyfriend as well as some major deterioration of a very long-term friendship. Is it repairable? I’m honestly not sure at this point. I think the best thing that needs to happen for awhile is a bit of distance. I harbor no hard feelings towards my homie. I wish her the best and I’d like to think that maybe later at some point we will find a good spot to be in again. For awhile though it seems that we need to go our own way like Fleetwood Mac.
I do have a lovely new place and a very cool new roommate. But I feel like I’m still feeling resistance in myself and with my boyfriend. I feel like I’m still struggling with selfish needs and failing to be a good listener. I get frustrated when someone calls me on it. I get defensive and I get my feelings hurt. I don’t know really how to handle any of this. And due to the move, I’ve gotten so incredibly behind on schoolwork that it’s really freaking my shit out. I’ve even managed to lose an important schoolbook with some of all this mess. Laundry is piled up and I now live in a place without a washer so looks like it’s laundry mat time for me. And…time is up folks. It is time for my next class. Time to make an effort to get my shit in gear. Wish me luck. Trying to keep my head above the water and struggling with some overwhelming feelings and demands of me.
I’ve had a lot of things to ponder lately. Like how I’ve been so quick to allow myself to start slipping back into this negative place that I used to reside in and how I don’t like it and want to take immediate action to try and turn that around and find my positive space again. It seems to have happened due to a mix of events, problems with my domestic situations, relationship/friendship issues and also lots of stress related to work and school. But then I stop and wonder is that really where the root of the problem began or is it something deeper, did I lose focus and start to find my way back into this negative space all on my own and it is the CAUSE of all these other problems?
I’m having a difficult time managing stress and emotions. I feel like I’m slipping back into this place of negativity that I used to reside in and I don’t like it at all. I don’t want to be defensive and angry. I don’t want to be selfish or to shut people out. I don’t want to get stressed out and have a meltdown. I just want to be happy and I want to discontinue to bring any negativity and stress to those in my life that care about me because they deserve so much better.
I feel like those people that are in my life that love me and take care of me. I take them for granted. Like that Matchbox 20 song and he says, “I’m sorry bout the attitude I need to get when I’m with you But no one else would take this shit from me.” But I give those people my bad attitude on the regular. I see myself failing to appreciate things they bring into my life because in my way of placing them in the safe zone I inadvertently seem to feel like they will always be there and I let myself stop listening to the valuable things they are trying to bring me, stop appreciating them and allow myself to just bring them my problems, anger, stress and bringing them my burdens. I’m feeling overwhelmed with time management and personal issues and I just feel like it’s all compounding to end up with me feeling like I’m in a funky spot.
I started to have a meltdown earlier today and decided to reach out on facebook. I got a lot more responses than I expected which was very helpful and made me feel a lot better about myself. One of the responses was a suggestion to make an appointment at student health at the University for counseling which is free to me as it is already included in my tuition. My painting instructor was awesome enough to help me get the ball rolling on that and use the phone in his office to call them and make an appointment. It’s not until march though so I have to wade through a little bit longer on my own. That may be a good thing for me.
One of the other suggestions I received and had already been told time and again by my boyfriend as well as my inner self is to really work on meditation some more. I feel resistant to this for reasons unknown to me. Maybe I’m afraid I won’t be good at it or I don’t know what I’m doing or embarrassed. I don’t know what my deal is with it. I decided to get over it at my boyfriends insistence. I gave myself about 10-15 minutes of very informal meditation using an om chanting youtube selection and lighting a candle and holding a stone that I felt was special. I didn’t get to hard on myself on sitting utterly still or fidgeting. I just rolled with it. Tried to focus on the flame and my breathing and just make sure I didn’t get distracted or give up too quickly. After about 8 minutes I found I was struggling to stay awake so it was obvious that at least some level of relaxation had happened here since I’d prior to this had a meltdown talking to my boyfriend and crying and feeling like a fuck up.
I went in the other room and told him this and that I was going to eat and head to campus to be productive. He suggested that perhaps I ought to give myself enough time for a sleep cycle or so of nap time since I had felt so sleepy and that he said the point of meditation is for your body to communicate with you what it truly needs and in my case he said that must be sleep since I’d felt so sleepy afterwards. I allowed myself a nap before running errands and heading to campus and at this point I feel much better.
I am wondering perhaps, I’m not giving myself enough time to shut down and it’s taking it’s toll. I’m constantly in worry mode and go mode and I need to restart my system every once in awhile. Meditation and a nap can work wonders. I’m telling myself that really for how much difference it made…perhaps taking ten minutes out of my busy day for a bit of meditation may yield much more productivity than telling myself I don’t have time and burning myself out into meltdown mode.
The night has fallen and my thoughts are heavy. My heart is on fire and my brain is buzzing. Time to lay down and clear my head, soothe my soul and let the regenerative properties of sleep restore me. Time to let the ghosts in my head and in my heart fade out into a soft glow in the background. There’s a little room with a view inside my heart, the best place I have to offer…that’s where you live inside of me, don’t you know that?