Tag Archives: life

Feeling overwhelmed

Hey there. I’m currently struggling with major overwhelming everything. I had a funky domestic/friendship/roommate situation that resulted in a relocation for myself and my boyfriend as well as some major deterioration of a very long-term friendship. Is it repairable? I’m honestly not sure at this point. I think the best thing that needs to happen for awhile is a bit of distance. I harbor no hard feelings towards my homie. I wish her the best and I’d like to think that maybe later at some point we will find a good spot to be in again. For awhile though it seems that we need to go our own way like Fleetwood Mac.

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I do have a lovely new place and a very cool new roommate. But I feel like I’m still feeling resistance in myself and with my boyfriend. I feel like I’m still struggling with selfish needs and failing to be a good listener. I get frustrated when someone calls me on it. I get defensive and I get my feelings hurt. I don’t know really how to handle any of this. And due to the move, I’ve gotten so incredibly behind on schoolwork that it’s really freaking my shit out. I’ve even managed to lose an important schoolbook with some of all this mess. Laundry is piled up and I now live in a place without a washer so looks like it’s laundry mat time for me. And…time is up folks. It is time for my next class. Time to make an effort to get my shit in gear. Wish me luck. Trying to keep my head above the water and struggling with some overwhelming feelings and demands of me.

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Finding my Heart Space

I’ve had a lot of things to ponder lately. Like how I’ve been so quick to allow myself to start slipping back into this negative place that I used to reside in and how I don’t like it and want to take immediate action to try and turn that around and find my positive space again. It seems to have happened due to a mix of events, problems with my domestic situations, relationship/friendship issues and also lots of stress related to work and school. But then I stop and wonder is that really where the root of the problem began or is it something deeper, did I lose focus and start to find my way back into this negative space all on my own and it is the CAUSE of all these other problems?

I’m having a difficult time managing stress and emotions. I feel like I’m slipping back into this place of negativity that I used to reside in and I don’t like it at all. I don’t want to be defensive and angry. I don’t want to be selfish or to shut people out. I don’t want to get stressed out and have a meltdown. I just want to be happy and I want to discontinue to bring any negativity and stress to those in my life that care about me because they deserve so much better.

I feel like those people that are in my life that love me and take care of me. I take them for granted. Like that Matchbox 20 song and he says, “I’m sorry bout the attitude I need to get when I’m with you But no one else would take this shit from me.” But I give those people my bad attitude on the regular. I see myself failing to appreciate things they bring into my life because in my way of placing them in the safe zone I inadvertently seem to feel like they will always be there and I let myself stop listening to the valuable things they are trying to bring me, stop appreciating them and allow myself to just bring them my problems, anger, stress and bringing them my burdens. I’m feeling overwhelmed with time management and personal issues and I just feel like it’s all compounding to end up with me feeling like I’m in a funky spot.

I started to have a meltdown earlier today and decided to reach out on facebook. I got a lot more responses than I expected which was very helpful and made me feel a lot better about myself. One of the responses was a suggestion to make an appointment at student health at the University for counseling which is free to me as it is already included in my tuition. My painting instructor was awesome enough to help me get the ball rolling on that and use the phone in his office to call them and make an appointment. It’s not until march though so I have to wade through a little bit longer on my own. That may be a good thing for me.

One of the other suggestions I received and had already been told time and again by my boyfriend as well as my inner self is to really work on meditation some more. I feel resistant to this for reasons unknown to me. Maybe I’m afraid I won’t be good at it or I don’t know what I’m doing or embarrassed. I don’t know what my deal is with it. I decided to get over it at my boyfriends insistence. I gave myself about 10-15 minutes of very informal meditation using an om chanting youtube selection and lighting a candle and holding a stone that I felt was special. I didn’t get to hard on myself on sitting utterly still or fidgeting. I just rolled with it. Tried to focus on the flame and my breathing and just make sure I didn’t get distracted or give up too quickly. After about 8 minutes I found I was struggling to stay awake so it was obvious that at least some level of relaxation had happened here since I’d prior to this had a meltdown talking to my boyfriend and crying and feeling like a fuck up.

I went in the other room and told him this and that I was going to eat and head to campus to be productive. He suggested that perhaps I ought to give myself enough time for a sleep cycle or so of nap time since I had felt so sleepy and that he said the point of meditation is for your body to communicate with you what it truly needs and in my case he said that must be sleep since I’d felt so sleepy afterwards. I allowed myself a nap before running errands and heading to campus and at this point I feel much better.

I am wondering perhaps, I’m not giving myself enough time to shut down and it’s taking it’s toll. I’m constantly in worry mode and go mode and I need to restart my system every once in awhile. Meditation and a nap can work wonders. I’m telling myself that really for how much difference it made…perhaps taking ten minutes out of my busy day for a bit of meditation may yield much more productivity than telling myself I don’t have time and burning myself out into meltdown mode.

 

Misplaced affection and nightfall

The night has fallen and my thoughts are heavy. My heart is on fire and my brain is buzzing. Time to lay down and clear my head, soothe my soul and let the regenerative properties of sleep restore me. Time to let the ghosts in my head and in my heart fade out into a soft glow in the background. There’s a little room with a view inside my heart, the best place I have to offer…that’s where you live inside of me, don’t you know that?

Zenhabits.net

Zenhabits.net

I cannot get enough of this website. It is truly life-changing. I am a big  believer in the fact that you create your own reality and that if you don’t like it you always hold within yourself the power to change it! Maybe not in the way you expected, and you might have to change your perspective as well and/or think outside the box.

If you need a bit of direction, need to learn how to be more positive, more productive or just simply how to be happier and/or simplify your life. This website is a wealth of resources to help guide you on your journey.

I cannot talk this website up enough. It truly is worth spending hours getting lost in the articles located within. Truly a must visit.

Yesterday was weird

I found out that the job opportunity that seemed amazing and almost to good to be true, pretty much is. I got this position that was touted as customer service with some company I was unfamiliar with. When I went to the orientation, there are metal folding chairs and I find out they want me to do Kirby in-home demos. I finished out the day, they got me all pumped about how much money I would make and bonuses and vacations and all kinds of great stuff.

When I left, I went and conferred with my roomie who told me to be careful that he’d had a bad run in with a similar type of deal. My sweet hippie love had tagged along and after talking to this roomie he seemed to be thinking maybe this wasn’t such a great idea either.

At first I was kinda pissed, thought they were raining on my parade, thought that they were being closed minded and that I would be a fool to pass up this amazing opportunity and the chance to make all this money. Until…I started poking around and trying to find more information myself.

First off, I read a couple of horror stories online that sounded like a very similar beginning to my amazing new job opportunity, right down to the folding metal chairs and the super awesome and nice trainer guy and how pumped they get you to make all this money. Then I read about how it’s a scam and you don’t make the money they claim, how they more or less work you to death and then you don’t wind up with the paychecks you think you will be making or that they didn’t get paid and other horrific results.

At this point I didn’t know what to do. I felt like an idiot and I was more than a little disappointed. I ended up talking to my cousin on the phone, she lives here in town and has pretty much her whole life, she is from this area. I asked her about it and come to find out, her son had worked for this company before and she said she didn’t wanna burst my bubble and that she wasn’t saying it was an outright scam but that when he worked there more or less he busted his ass, made lots of sales, and did not end up getting the amount of money that he was led to believe that he would. She told me that overall it was a very unpleasant experience for him.

That was pretty much the verdict for me. I know my cousin is one of the sweetest ladies around and would not lie to me or mislead me. She is a very kind and loving person and did her best to give me an unbiased opinion. Needless to say, I didn’t call that guy back that night like we were asked to and I didn’t go in there for more training today like I was supposed to. Instead, I called/emailed back the burger joint that wanted to hire me from the get go. It may not be glamorous, but at least it’s honest work. And I know what they tell me I will be making, the hours they tell me I will have and the things they tell me I will be doing are pretty straight-forward and completely legit.

I think I was able to salvage that and no harm done. But damn what a disappointment. Not to mention the frustration involving more delays before I start receiving paychecks and get to working. Also, nobody likes to feel like a fool, or feel like they got played. Oh well, you live, you learn. Life throws curve-balls sometimes, and even when they hit you in the face…you have to move on and keep going.

So…hopefully all’s well that ends well.

I feel like life has really been trying to pound some lessons into me lately. Patience, humility, resourcefulness and other less intense things along with these. All things happen for a good reason, I firmly believe that. There are good things that we are meant to enjoy and then there are things that are not so good that we are meant to learn from. Lately I kinda feel like life has pointed at me, smacked me upside the face and said, “YOU! I’ve been meaning to teach you a few things here lately!”

I’ve learned a little about humility and having to rely upon others to help me out and to try and do what I can with what I have to help out the household I’m staying in. (regardless of whether I’m staying with my adorable hippie guy or at the besties)  I’ve also learned to make do with what is available to me even if it’s not my first choice. And I’ve learned to appreciate the resources that are available to me that I take for granted. Such as, walking somewhere on my own two feet which is good for my health and my spirit and also saves gas money and wear and tear on the car.

Overall, I must say, I am able to maintain a positive attitude. To know that I will be alright, and maybe even for the better despite any struggles I may endure in the now. After all, going through rough times in the end is likely to leave me a bit more polished I’d like to think.

My thoughts are a bit unclear and I’m losing focus because there are other things grabbing my attention. So, I’m out folks. But have a great weekend and remember, no matter what you are going through, there is a reason for it good or bad. And in the end it will be alright, just maintain a positive attitude and keep your head up. Love as much as possible and keep focusing on all the wonderful things that this beautiful and complicated world has to offer to every single one of us, every single day.

Namaste.

Just that kind of girl

You know I’m just that kind of girl that can drive you up the wall
And I’m just that kind of girl any moment and you’ll fall
cuz I try too hard and laugh too loud, I’m always in a rush
and I love to sing, I love to dance, I always talk too much
But I’m just that kind of girl that might try to steal the scene
and I’m just that kind of girl that might act a bit obscene
you know I’m always in a hurry, never stop to take things in
and of course I kind of worry, try to hide beneath my grin
and I’ll always try to charm you, hoping I might steal a kiss
I will trade responsibility for one sweet moments bliss
And I’m just that kind of girl that might make you go insane
And my words just keep on coming falling down like acid rain
with all this mindless chatter it’s so hard to find the meaning
but if you listen closely I’ll reveal it, but it’s fleeting
I’m so scared to face my flaws like they’ll drown me in the sink
But maybe if you like me we can go out for a drink
I try to be so bold like I know I’m in control
But when the night is over I still know you’re gonna go
And I always think I’m clever like I know just what I want
and I’ll try to rope you in the way I tease, the way I taunt
because underneath it all you know I’m really quite confused
and even though I think I’m funny I’m not sure you’re so amused
But my apologies mean nothing cuz it still won’t change what’s done
and if we live to see tomorrow will you help me chase the sun?

Listen to your heart, Let go of ego

I dislike how it always seems to take an awkward moment to have that epiphany of realization that you need to get your head together sometimes… Like “oh.” and then the little light bulb kicks on and you catch a glimpse of the particular situation for what it really is there for a moment and realize that you’re not handling it in what is perhaps the best way for all involved.

I always hope that when that moment hits, that there is still time to get my head together, think things through and turn a questionable choice or thought into a solid and well-grounded one that will ultimately wield better results for everyone. But that’s okay, these often awkward moments that leave us questioning our thoughts and motives as well as our actions can shape and mold us into something better, into our true self, into the person inside that we were meant to be that is just busting to get out.

So I welcome you awkward moments, let me be shaped into something amazing. Sometimes life just tries to offer you a few subtle and gentle reminders that maybe the direction you’re charging towards at that moment and pulling for may not be the direction that is in your best interest at that particular moment and that you will be happier in the long run to perhaps follow the gentle tug from within that urges you to let go of the ego’s urgent desires and listen to the voice within that knows what is really best for you if you only stop to listen.

Being in charge of your own happiness

ImageThe law of attraction is real. I know when you haven’t experienced it for yourself it seems like a bunch of made-up, mumbo jumbo, complete bullshit nonsense. I thought so too at first. But then I tried it and found out for myself. It is not. It is completely real.

Because of this amazing revelation, I try to stay in as positive frame of mind as possible because our thoughts become our reality. See that is the secret, that is the trick, what you think and what you believe is what becomes real. It sounds like bullshit but it is not.

Let me give you my most recent example. I was starting to panic myself into an anxiety attack because I’ve been here about a month and still hadn’t found a job yet and starting to run out of money. I was starting to feel very frustrated and could feel myself being sucked into a bunch of negativity. I called my parents and basically cried and bitched on the phone about it to them. I pulled up a bunch of websites to help me find a job and resources and all of that.

After I got off the phone with them, I looked at the websites but realized I was feeling too overwhelmed to really do anything. So, I left all the tabs opened, closed my laptop and just decided to clear my head for awhile and try and get out of my web of negativity. I tried to focus on my mothers confidence that something would come up and told myself that I’d hear something soon and to stop feeling so badly about the situation that things have a way of working out.

I decided to just do some of the mundane household tasks that needed to be done and don’t require much thinking. So I put on my headphones with my phone, started jamming to some Pink Floyd, loaded the washer, started some dishwater and began to kick into gear on some housework. Moments after I began this, my music was interrupted by a phone call. I was wanted for an interview. I added it to my calendar, thanked the gal and hung up, going back to my tasks.

That evening I put in a lot of hours sending out resumes, filling out online applications, setting up profiles, scouring job boards and sending out emails. I was woke up the next day by my phone ringing with another interview to schedule. I was pretty happy with this. I barely finished writing down that appointment when my phone rang again, with yet ANOTHER interview for later on that very day.

That random one that wanted me to come in a couple hours later and interview is basically your typical part-time slacker job, minimum wage, but they are holding out for me to finish my other interviews and are more or less ready to get me started as soon as I let them know for sure what’s going on.

I tell myself that even if it may not be a perfect solution to come up with the money I need, it is certainly better than the current unemployment and would at least provide some incoming money while I continue to look for something that offers more money and/or more hours.

My point is this. If you tell yourself that you can’t, or something won’t happen, or that something is not going to work out, then you have committed yourself to that being your reality and you may say you are just being realistic but really what you have done is just cut yourself off from any possibility of success.

If you tell yourself that you can do something, that something good is going to happen, that something will work out, then it will. The more you love your life, the more you love in general, the more your life will love you and the more love will come back to you as well.

You may be reading this and thinking that this is merely coincidence and that it means absolutely nothing to prove my point. But stay tuned, I have many more examples and resources that I plan to share in the future. In the meantime, what do you have to lose? Try it! Just one day, wake up and have the resolve upon waking that today is going to be a great day and that wonderful things are going to happen. If you truly resolve yourself to this, then it will be a great day and wonderful things will happen. The more I have put these simple concepts into practice and the more I have learned about this stuff, the more my life has opened up and started to really blossom and thrive.

I have finally learned how to start to love myself, how to love my life and how to become a much happier person. There is so much more to this, and I will tell you much more about it in posts to come. But I can say this, learning these seemingly simple concepts are like suddenly obtaining the key to life. Life will get easier, better, more enjoyable and you’ll find that you are in charge of your own happiness.

I think I’m in love with a hippie!

So there’s this guy…Of course, there’s always some guy. But this one is different.

I know, I know, I say that and think that every time. But the thing is this guy really is different. This enigmatic mysterious hippie who seems to understand life better than anyone I’ve ever encountered. Of course the ironic part about it is that the reasoning for this is that he is aware that he doesn’t understand life and that it is not meant to be understood. How do ya like them apples, huh?

He always tries to help guide me along the path of how to live in the moment and how to follow my heart. He talks to me about meaningful and important things like how thought is reality and how expectations are what leads to many of our problems in life. He explains to me things like how words get in the way and how labels and presumptions are negative things.

He likes to grow things and cook delicious organic food for me. He talks about interesting things such as what makes airplanes work and the real measurements of the units of calories. He tries to encourage me to meditate and to let things be what they are instead of trying to wrap them up into the pretty little box of what I think they should be that society has conditioned me to feel like I need to be happy.

He talks about how this whole society is sucked into all this fake bullshit. How consumerism is ruining humanity. He likes to be barefoot as much as possible and he takes pants and makes them into long shirts with homemade hems tailored by himself to his delight.

He makes my heart race and my consciousness expand. He encourages all the good things to come out of me and blossom like a beautiful flower that wants to thrive when offered enough water and sunlight. He encourages me to spend time outside and to be still and appreciate the small things in life.

He has helped me understand how the simplest concepts can change your entire life. How happiness is a choice that you should not allow to be determined by external factors. He likes to keep me on my toes and calls me out on every ounce of bullshit that I allow within myself.

He has made me better. In the course of the past six months or so of getting to know him my life has drastically improved and continues to improve regularly. He encourages me to seek meaning in my life and to improve myself constantly. He shows me movies that blow my mind like this movie called Ink, and Fight Club which turns out is not at all some dumb action movie like what I expected but instead something incredibly meaningful and amazing! He also has shown me movies like the Hitchhikers guide to the Galaxy, another awesome and mind blowing movie.

I find myself thinking about him more often than what I probably should. In all honestly I might be bordering on obsession but I don’t know how to stop it and I’m not even sure I want to. The ringtone on my phone when he calls is Lykke Li “Little Bit.”

He has introduced me to some other really amazing and open-minded folks as well. Turned me on to amazing music I had never heard of that has changed my life and inspired me beyond belief such as Medicine for the People.

Most importantly. He makes me feel alive. He makes me feel like this life has such amazing and intricate purpose and that the whole fun of it is trying to figure it out. Words cannot even fully describe the way he makes me feel.

I think I’m in love with this amazing being but I’m too frightened to tell him. I’m honestly not sure I even need to…I think he already knows and I’m not sure it even needs to be said. He is not my boyfriend…or maybe he is. There are no labels. There are feelings involved, intimacy, sex, wonderful conversation and outings and affectionate playful touching and cuddling. Oh, and he has this amazingly adorable cute little chihuahua. I love her and she is my buddy.

I’ve tried cajoling more information out of him in regards to his feelings for me, what is going on with us and what is happening. He sees right through it and refuses to play into it. He more or less simply explained it to me one night while I was vodka-filled and convinced him to sleep over at my place. He more or less said something to the effect of: do you enjoy what we have? To which, of course, my answer was yes. And he was kind of like, then why do you have to make it into more than what it is? Can’t it just be what it is and you can enjoy it as such? This again ties into the “live in the moment” and “be present” concepts.

I can’t be sure. I have no proof and I could possibly be wrong. But what I THINK is my heart…tells me that he just might love me too. I can’t be certain, but I get that feeling maybe. I won’t ask him, and I don’t think he’ll tell me. We’ll just have to see what the future holds. But, I just get this feeling.